I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
