When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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