it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
