o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
