we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
