How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
