i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
