I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
