five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
