I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
