No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
