I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
