Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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