sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
