So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
