How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
