The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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