I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
