and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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