I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
