At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
