Just cropdusted the office
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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