When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
