better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
