If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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