i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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