I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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