if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
