Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
