Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
