Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
