I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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