i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
