Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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