i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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