I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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