If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
