***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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