Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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