make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Sorry about my life...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
