those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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