ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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