why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
