i just sent this text using only my big toe
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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