i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
whose parrot is this?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
