I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
