I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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