I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
