Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
