Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
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